Won’t or Can’t? Rethinking Student Behavior
One of the most common—and often most confusing—questions families and educators face is this: “Is my child’s behavior a choice, or is it part of their disability?”
This question matters, because the answer impacts how adults respond, how supports are provided, and even how a child is perceived in the classroom and at home. Misunderstanding the difference can lead to frustration on all sides, unnecessary discipline, or missed opportunities to teach and support skills.
Understanding the Difference
At its core, behavior is communication. Every action—whether positive or challenging—is sending us a message. The challenge is figuring out whether that message is:
A sign the child won’t do what’s asked (a behavioral choice), or
A sign the child can’t do what’s asked (a skill or support need related to their disability).
Here’s a simple way to think about it:
Behavior (Choice): The skill exists. The child has the ability but may be testing limits, seeking attention, or making a decision not to use the skill at that moment.
Disability-Related Behavior: The skill doesn’t fully exist yet. The child wants to meet the expectation but struggles because of communication barriers, sensory differences, executive functioning challenges, or emotional regulation needs.
Questions to Ask Before Labeling It “Misbehavior”
Before jumping to conclusions, pause and ask:
Does the child have the skill?
If the expectation involves organization, impulse control, or language—but the child hasn’t developed those skills yet—it’s not “won’t,” it’s “can’t.”Have supports and accommodations been provided?
If the classroom environment doesn’t match the child’s needs (for example, no visual schedule for a student with autism or no movement breaks for a student with ADHD), the behavior may be their way of saying “I need help.”What’s the “why” behind the behavior?
Dig deeper. Is the child hungry? Overstimulated? Confused? Overwhelmed by language? Behavior is often the symptom—not the root problem.
Why This Distinction Matters
When adults see challenging behavior as defiance, the natural response is punishment or discipline. But if the behavior is tied to a disability, those responses don’t teach skills—they often increase frustration and lower self-esteem.
Instead, when we see the behavior as communication, we can:
Provide accommodations that remove barriers
Teach replacement skills (like asking for a break instead of shutting down)
Respond with compassion and clarity rather than frustration
This doesn’t mean students don’t need boundaries. Clear expectations are essential. But it does mean we shift from “What’s wrong with you?” to “What’s getting in your way?”
A Practical Example
Imagine a child blurting out constantly during lessons.
If it’s behavior, the child knows how to raise their hand, but chooses not to because they want attention. A behavioral response—like redirection or reinforcement—may help.
If it’s disability-related, the child may have ADHD or a communication disability that makes impulse control or turn-taking hard. In this case, teaching self-regulation strategies, providing cues, or offering structured participation options may be more effective.
Final Thought
The line between behavior and disability isn’t always clear-cut. But asking the right questions and seeking to understand the “why” helps us respond with empathy and strategy instead of judgment.
At the end of the day, every child deserves adults who look past the surface and say:
👉 “I see you. I hear you. Let’s figure this out together.”
✨ Sped Decoded is here to help you navigate these tough questions—whether you’re a parent advocating at home or an educator working in the classroom.
